Is it okay to write here when the Writing Center doesn't exist anymore? It has to be, because I'm ready to write. Besides, the WC wasn't ever just a place, was it? It's all of us--even you, who I never met but know because Sis. Morgan loved you. I've been thinking about something for a few weeks now. I just have to come out and say what I've come up with, no qualifying allowed, because it's not bad or good, it just is, right? I think I can't make friends anymore because I either idol them or feel better than them in some respect. No one is my equal. I'm either above or below. The definition of Pride. The result? Acquaintances. Short, superficial conversations. Small talk. Loneliness in the middle of a group of girls at our ward BBQ two weeks ago. I tried to start a conversation with my visiting teaching partner. We quickly ran out of things to say, and she turned to someone she knew better. I stood on the outside of a circle of friends, not knowing how to break through.
It's nothing new. Other than my husband, the last best friend I had was Shannon. Then I got married, and we drifted apart. Without roommates, making real friends--the kind you can talk to for hours and share anything with--became a lot more challenging. I try so hard not to make it about me, but obviously I'm failing. If it weren't about me, I wouldn't have a problem talking to people and making friends. It's all about me and my own faults. If I weren't as self-conscious about my imperfections and what other people think of me, life would be simpler. But I am happy. Friend or no friend, I have a beautiful son who is the center of my world and a husband who is an incredible father. I am happier than I've been in years. Motherhood is everything I'd ever hoped for, and that's saying a lot. But I could sure use a girl friend sometimes. Someone who would share with me her heartache and joys. Someone to have inside jokes with. When is the last time I laughed freely? I laugh at work, but it's not cathartic like best-friend laughter....I watch the connection instead of make it. It's okay to not have a best girl friend, but it would be better to have someone and someone to have me.
I have Kari, sort of. It's funny...Not having a baby made me feel the outsider in Rigby. With Kari, having Ben makes me feel guilty because she has no child. Failed in vitro a few weeks ago. It made me sick to my stomach hearing the news. I cried for her. I had no business crying, since it was her heartbreak, but I know a tiny bit of it. She's a tough one though. She doesn't open up very easily, and she and her husband aren't home often. I guess making friends might take time though. Maybe I do have a bud of a friendship. Maybe I was just looking and hoping for it in the wrong people.
I'm glad I still have all of you, even if we're far apart and haven't talked in ages. We should stay in better touch, and then none of us will really ever be alone. I'm making peanut butter cookies. Stop by and have a few.