Look Santa, I don't want some (blank)ing one liner.

It's last night and I'm in line at Disneyland to ride the Matterhorn. In the middle of a crowd of people, my party and I wait for our turn just near the front of the line. I glance to my right and see Santa Claus--an older, chubby man with a long, white beard, white handlebar mustache, red t-shirt and red trucker cap that reads, "SANTA." At first I look past him, pretending I don't see. But I repent of this and look at him. "So, what do you do in the off season?" I sincerely ask.

"OH, HO HO HO HO HO! I COME HERE TO DISNEYLAND, OF COURSE!" His wife, a small woman with short brown hair and a navy blue windbreaker, chuckles, and then smiles at her husband's comment. "I WATCH OVER THE KIDS HERE AND LOOK FOR THE GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS!" He gives me this squinty-eyed Santa smile from behind his mustache and beard.

"Uh-huh," I reply. I feel like saying, "What I mean is, do you have kids you see or a job you work at or even a dog? What does your life consist of when you aren't playing a fictional character at the mall? Do you cut your (blank)ing beard or actually have a (blank)ing life or do you just get depressed for eleven months because your life is meaningless? There's got to be more to you than a character." But I don't. I just stand there, awkwardly smile, and wait to move forward in line.

So much for a real conversation.


Eric James said...

I knew this was Matt just by looking at the title.

Matthew R. Hall, Esq. said...

Was that because of the allusion to swearing or the sarcasm or maybe the awkwardness of it?

Eric James said...

I would have to say the "Look Santa" and the reference to swearing.

Matty said...

Oh Matt. I never thought I would meet someone more cynically sarcastic than I. Kudos.

Also, I was recently at a restaurant where a man was dressed in a red and green plaid shirt, suspenders, and glasses sporting a long white beard. I could not help but wonder at what point this man decided, "hey I am fat and old I might as well sport the Santa look."

iBo said...

If the Santa fashion ever becomes fashionable, I'm moving to Tibet.

maicher said...