10/19/07

Help

Help me people, because I'm living small. I make lists at the beginning of each day to add purpose to my life, which include items like "finish reading my library books," or "cut Austin’s hair." Why don’t I ever put "go to grad school," or "climb a mountain"? I never get everything on my list done, so I guess in proportion to the goals I didn’t accomplish, my guilt too would grow.
You know what, I’m just too comfortable. Being married has definitely not helped in the "do great things" area. This may sound bad, but it just means now that I know someone is okay with the person I am now, in this moment, I’m not searching for something big to define myself by. But I think I could do better. I haven't done any homework for the past two weeks. Any suggestions?

10 comments:

Sky Scatcher said...

I'd suggest some heavy prayer. What's the matter with you? The slightly uneasy feeling you're having right now will grow and grow until you puff like a marshmallow or burst like a "raisin in the sun."

Chan said...

Wait, you mean you have lots of homework to do, but you're not doing it? I tried that, it was called K-12. And summer semesters. I dunno. I find that if I'm not stimulated and structured enough by external things (work, school) then I quickly melt into a lethargic pile of blah. Do you have anything goin on in life besides being married?

E. Anona said...

Do I have anything going on? 16 credits, 15 hours of work a week (Supervisor), ward organist(30 min. practice every day), apartment that needs cleaned constantly, figuring out how/when to feed someone that can't subsist on cheese crackers like I can, studying for GRE(haven't), etc.

It's not like I sit at home eating chocolate and watching soap operas.

So along the prayer lines, usually I feel uneasy when I'm going a different direction than God wants me to go. So what am I doing wrong? I guess I might not want an answer on this one.

Chan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chan said...

Umm, I still don't get it. Are you upset that you don't have time to pursue your big plans? Or are you upset that you don't have the motivation to do them right now? Or that you've grown comfortable with yourself and won't ever amount to anything unless you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and hurl yourself into the thick of challenge and growth?

Why do you want to do big things? And why aren't you doing your homework?

Please reply to these things, this is very interesting to me.

E. Anona said...

You’re making me talk about this? Okay, taking it from the bottom, I’m not doing my homework because I don’t feel like it. This scares me, because in the past I’ve enjoyed forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do just to prove…something…I don’t know what to myself. My over-developed Puritan work ethic, you might call it.
I guess I’m frustrated because I don’t have big plans and I don’t want big plans. And yet, I feel it’s my destiny to do big things. The homework isn’t really the problem. I guess I want to do something that means something.
Too abstract?

Julie M said...

Hey Anona,
Well, I think that you sound burned out, and if your life is anything like mine, you are burned out. The not wanting to do homework thing...it happens to everyone, especially when they have had too much stress within too short of a period (I don't know about you, but getting and being married can be stressful) plus the whole added responsibility thing. I have found the same thing out here. I get in these homesick stuppors, and then I find I don't want to do anything. BUT, if I catch myself early on enough, then I can stop myself from falling into the homesickness to deep. It's like Sis. Morgan said. If I can acknowledge the pain and say, "Yes, this is homesickness." Then I can move on from it and I don't dwell in a vat of self-pity that I am not likely to emerge from for several days. I'm not saying that that is your situation (obviously you are not homesick) but maybe it is something else you have to acknowledge but not allow yourself to get swallowed into. Or I could be WAY off, which won't hurt my feelings a bit.

Sky Scatcher said...

Explain the prayer thing to me again? And what "Bigger" things are you referring to?

E. Anona said...

I'm pretty much done talking, Sis. Morgan, and done having a pity party for myself...thanks Julie.

Sky Scatcher said...

Ahhhh, c'mon A. I didn't think you were feeling sorry for yourself; I'm just curious how we all get into these weird places, wading in apathy; or is it apathy? I don't know, because YOU won't explain it any further; you cry-baby, you. (By the way, have I mentioned what an incredible job Anona is doing as a supervisor? Julie and Shalese are almost impossible to replace, but she has her own special talents and really excels at . . . polite whip cracking? She's great.)