I have noticed that whenever I talk about my brother's living conditions (living with his girlfriend in California) to someone, I don't look them straight in the face. By not looking in their eyes, I can pretend like I don't see that flicker of disappointment, pity, judgment, or even that look of "I don't know how to respond to that." I try to make it easy for them to respond by tossing it off like it's nothing, so they'll think I'm okay with it, that I've come to terms with it, even though I don't think I ever can. But then I wonder, what would I see if I were brave enough to look? I'm not brave, though, so I hide. I don't want to know what they're thinking because what they think is probably true, and truth is too hard to deal with. I would rather pretend than face it all.
I also get queasy when I discuss my future to someone. I dread the question that I always know is coming when someone finds out I am going to graduate soon--"So do you plan to get a job teaching after you graduate?" They look so excited and thrilled at their suggestion that sometimes I just nod my head and smile instead of telling them the truth. What is the truth, you may ask? Lance and I are trying to start a family. We haven't succeeded yet (although I'll let everyone know when we do), but I know that this is right for me. Yet when I tell someone "No, we're actually trying to start a family," I find myself hating how I sound like so many other girls on campus. Family is important, and that's something that I have known all my life, so why am I embarrassed to admit it? And why do I not want to look them in the eyes when I tell them my plans?
Today while I was student teaching, the principal came in to talk to me about my future. I looked him in the eyes when I said it. I told him I wasn't looking for a job right away, that I probably wouldn't actually teach for quite some time, and that I wanted to be with my children. I hated seeing the excitement disappear from them. I hated wondering if he was thinking the same thing I was--"Then why are you here?" Why did I have to look?