3/21/08

time is a dirty thief

I am not afraid of death. I’m not, I promise. Just now I was thinking about death and dying. Not the morbid emo thoughts of death, but in-the-whole-scheme-of-things-death. I remember hearing once that death is just a long sleep, but I view it as quite the contrary. I think it will be a grand awakening and in some ways we will be more alive than ever. All these empty holes in our lives will be filled up once again. The pain of life will ebb and we will be made whole, left only to our joys. Obviously our eternities won’t be just sitting around singing praises to God, although I do like to sing. I personally can't wait until I die. It's a selfish thought, I know. I am not afraid to die, but what terrifies me is losing others to death.

My Father is getting old. His head has long been crowned with the snow of experience, contrasted by his ever red complexion. When I was younger, it was funny to think about how my Dad was as old as my friend's grandpa, but now it’s becoming something I don't like to talk about. To see how his body is wearing from time makes me dread April. Sometimes in dreams, I find myself on a clear blue day in the early summer. As I look up through the Oak leaves into the glory of day and lean up on the grey bark, I know that it’s him against my back. He has always been my anchor and my support. There were days when a three-lined email from him, cured my anxieties and propped me back up through the storm. He has lived up to his calling of a guide, a provider, and protector and I owe him everything for it. I’m going to really miss him when he leaves me.

10 comments:

Nate Russ said...

keep in mind this was written at 2:30 in the morning.

Sky said...

Well-written. Almost a complete essay. Who is this? Kiersten? Nate?

Kiersten said...

That must have been Nathan. I just went through much frustration to try and get a google blogger account. Holy cow, that was difficult. Ha, I wonder what is going to happen to my blogger account when I am no longer a student at BYU-I...
Anywho, I really can relate to this piece of work. I have often had the same wonder about my father. I wonder when I'll see him again after he dies. I have heard that people can feel the presence of loved ones. Honestly, I'd rather have my father than feel of him, but life and death come to all who enter this state of mortality...It is hard for me to accept that someday people I love will no longer be with me or near me. Maybe, for now, the best thing for me to do is enjoy him (my father) while I can.

Sky said...

Yay. Kiersten got an account. Good for you.

Matthew R. Hall, Esq. said...

I'm reminded of a passage from the account of Heber Q. Hale, a member of the Church who, in 1920, had a manifestation or vision or something about the Spirit World and the passage into the realm men refer to as death.

"I passed but a short distance from my body through a film into the world of spirits. This was my experience after going to sleep. I seemed to realize that I had passed through the change called death and I so referred to it in my conversation with the immortal beings with whom I immediately came in contact. I readily observed their displeasure at our use of the word death and the fear which we attach to it. They use there another word in reference to the transition from mortality to immortality which word I do not recall, and I can only approach its meaning and the impression which was left upon my mind, by calling it the new birth."
http://whitebinder.org/content/view/30/48/

He seemed to feel the same way as you, meaning he saw death as a step forward into greatness that is incomprehensible to mortals. This doesn't mean I'm rushing into it, of course, but it is an interesting view that seems to be unique to Latter-Day Saints.

Sky said...

A poet once wrote that if God had not made death look very ugly, we would run and jump into eternity, but, for me, that doesn't make missing and aching for those who die before us any easier.

Travis & Jenny Holloway said...

Very nice writing, Nathan. I think that to a small extent, I share some of your feelings. My dad turns 60 on April 13. I used to joke, and continue to recognize that he is old enough to be my grandpa. And for the past few years, that has begun to worry me. Little by little, I can see the effects of age upon him--the tiredness, the decrease in appetite, the hearing loss, the memory loss. He is aging, and could easily be gone in 20-30 years--when his grandchildren will be grown. And the thought of it makes my heart ache.

E. Anona said...

Saw this in the newspaper the other day and had to clip it out:

"English majors are essentially 'majoring in death,' said Billy Collins, an acclaimed poet laureate. 'If you have an anthology and take out all poetry on death, you would end up with a pamphlet of what is left.'"

Sky said...

Thanks everyone. I'm an English Prof majoring in death who turns 61this April--whew. I'm buying my walking cane and support hose this weekend.

Kaitlin said...

Wow, I think you guys are jumping the gun a little with this whole worrying thing. Haven't you heard that 50 is the new 40, and on down the line? So really, Sis. Morgan, you're only 50, and I'd say you're doing pretty well, especially when you pamper yourself with such extravagances as eating and sleeping! So, instead of a cane and support hose, go buy some running shoes and an odometer and we'll sign you up for the next advertised marathon.