3:54 AM and frowning in the dark
God wants me awake. That’s the conclusion I have come to after laying here in my empty room for the past hour and a half. I’ve tried everything from Enya to Tylenol PM and still I just keep on trucking. I’m quickly becoming bitter as to why my body wants to go to sleep later and later. I swear I was Chinese in my past life and my biorhythms are reverting back to it. I might just be melodramatic, but I feel so incredibly frustrated that I can’t just do what I’m supposed to. Right now, the vast majority of Rexburg is sleeping away while I’m skulking in the glow of my computer screen. I should be used to this feeling by now, the feeling of frustration from not doing what I should. Mormons, by nature, get married quickly. We run around as fast as we can, trying to find that special someone who will last the eternities with us. It’s really the main reason why we’re here, and yet, I refuse. Well, refuse isn’t the right word. It’s frustrating me knowing that getting married is something that I should do, but the other half of me just won’t. I don’t know what it is about marriage that scares me, but it’s slowly creeping towards me and I’m putting on my Nikes. I used to think that it was because I didn’t like how there was a set Mormon timeline of what age you have to do everything by. I hate how we just expect someone to do something so monumental as to seal one’s self to another person before a certain age. I ruled this out as a good point, but not the source of the real problem. It’s not love. I have been in love before, that’s not the problem. I have been hurt before and I have hurt someone before and I don’t want to repeat either. Could that be the reason? No, I think that’s another symptom. Sometimes I forget who I am and feel so worthless. I just wonder who would deserve someone like me. I’m still trying to find the reason as I lay here, awake and frustrated.