4/6/08

3:54 AM and frowning in the dark

God wants me awake. That’s the conclusion I have come to after laying here in my empty room for the past hour and a half. I’ve tried everything from Enya to Tylenol PM and still I just keep on trucking. I’m quickly becoming bitter as to why my body wants to go to sleep later and later. I swear I was Chinese in my past life and my biorhythms are reverting back to it. I might just be melodramatic, but I feel so incredibly frustrated that I can’t just do what I’m supposed to. Right now, the vast majority of Rexburg is sleeping away while I’m skulking in the glow of my computer screen. I should be used to this feeling by now, the feeling of frustration from not doing what I should. Mormons, by nature, get married quickly. We run around as fast as we can, trying to find that special someone who will last the eternities with us. It’s really the main reason why we’re here, and yet, I refuse. Well, refuse isn’t the right word. It’s frustrating me knowing that getting married is something that I should do, but the other half of me just won’t. I don’t know what it is about marriage that scares me, but it’s slowly creeping towards me and I’m putting on my Nikes. I used to think that it was because I didn’t like how there was a set Mormon timeline of what age you have to do everything by. I hate how we just expect someone to do something so monumental as to seal one’s self to another person before a certain age. I ruled this out as a good point, but not the source of the real problem. It’s not love. I have been in love before, that’s not the problem. I have been hurt before and I have hurt someone before and I don’t want to repeat either. Could that be the reason? No, I think that’s another symptom. Sometimes I forget who I am and feel so worthless. I just wonder who would deserve someone like me. I’m still trying to find the reason as I lay here, awake and frustrated.

9 comments:

Sky said...

This comment is not for Nate. It's for anyone who dares think they can offer him easy advice about this post. Let me make it easy for you-- DON'T.

But, Nate, I do sympathize with how you feel the day after such a night.

Chan said...

Sis. Morgan says don't give easy advice, but that's only because she didn't think of this doozy:

Go to China! Hello! Then your biorythms will be right on schedule. And who knows, if your biorythms are reverting, maybe you'll revert to speaking Chines pretty soon. Problem solved.

Other than that bit of really great advice, I don't have much to say. I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma.

iBo said...

hmmmm out of curiosity what are chinese people biorhythms like??

and my easy advice bucket is sealed tight.

Sky said...

Oh yeah, Ivor, as if Chan really knows bio-rhythms in China. He just loves walking over lines I draw.

Actually, Chan has great empathy, and this is his way to say,"I'm sorry, Nate. I wish I could help." But he can't say it straight.

Geez, I don't know why I feel I have to explain you to each other.

This is me avoiding sleep...

Chan said...

Compared with our American biorythms, Chinese biorythms have darker hair and are better are hard sciences, like math and chemistry.

Nate Russ said...

Well, I'm half way there then. This is good news.

Sky said...

Chandler, what are you talking about?

iBo said...

so what does all that make me? I have darker hair but I'm not good at the "harder" sciences...(harder sciences sounds like a drug to me. Excuse me I have to go smoke some chemistry and enjoy the stoichiometric high...)

Nate Russ said...

see Ivor, you used a way big word that I didn't know and it was science related. Case and point.