jumbled thoughts

My mom called me from Ohio today. She took my siblings there for spring break. Weird that it's only a place to visit anymore.

I made a rather large quantity of donuts this morning. Cake donuts, yeast donuts, filled donuts, donut holes. Only my Canadian friend came over to help me eat them. It was really cool.

I decided to take a nap after the the 2 o'clock session of conference. I set my alarm to wake up at 5:30 so I would still make it to Shannon's bridal shower. I woke up at 6:45. Sorry Shannon.

While I was taking a nap, my roommate so kindly texted me from the living room demanding I do the dishes. Funny thing, I washed all the dishes I used making donuts and loaded the dishwasher besides. Do your own freakin' dishes.

I have three papers due Monday, and I'm taking two finals. What a joy.

My mom is coming to Rexburg for my graduation. I need to clean up my apartment and begin packing. She is going to help me move my stuff into a storage unit in Utah until I know what I’m doing.

After graduation, I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled. A dentist/oral surgeon in Rexburg will do the extraction at 8am on Monday morning. Promptly after, while I am still woozy, my mom is driving me down to Ogden. I am staying at my aunt’s house for a few days to recover. Then I am going down to Provo to stay with my cousin and look for an apartment.

I don't even know if I'm going to Grad School.

I am going to an advertising competition on April 25. I don’t think our campaign is very well-developed, yet I will be representing my team in front of hundreds of advertising professionals. I feel like a fool. If I don’t get accepted to Graduate School, this would be a great opportunity for me to interview for a job, but I don’t know anymore. Starting my career just isn’t what I want to do right now.

I’m visiting friends in Portland for a few days after the advertising competition and conference conclude. Then, I am flying ‘home’ to Georgia. My mother wants me to come live there so badly. I need a break, so I figure I’ll take the summer off and live with my family. I just wish they weren’t in Georgia.

I don’t want to leave my roommates, who over the course of a year have become my sisters. I know I’ll find new friends, but I’ll miss them.

I’m not ready to leave the Writing Center and the security it gives me. Here, I am valued. I’m afraid I’ll lose a piece of myself if I leave. What worries me more is that I’m not sure I know how to find it again.

I’m scared of starting over. I’ll be graduated, but I’m starting at zero again. In the business world, I am nothing. A greenie with no experience. In graduate school, I’m just a freshman again. In Georgia, I have no friends. No one knows me there. No matter where I go, the things I’ve worked to accomplish seem insignificant.

It reminds me of a song from August Rush.

King of the Earth
John Ondrasik

I'm as crazy as clown tonight
a clown without a crown tonight
a simple sack of wishes and bones.
I'm as useless as a memory
the day before it came to me
to save your time stitches and stones

But once in my life I was the king of the earth
once in my life,
I was.

I've flown horses on the skies above
that ain’t enough for you my love
to fill these empty castles with ghosts
I've married devils to their history
stood where you would bury me
through a time of statues and rows

But once in my life I was the king of the Earth
Once in my life,
I was.

Now that the stars have frozen in their places,
all that I hold seems gone
now that the stars have fallen from their faces
I will see you on

I'll never be your picture present
but I hope you go the rose I sent
to save your town of stitches and bones
I'm nothing more than a simple man
born to be American
out to draw these bridges and motes

but once in my life I was the kind of the Earth
Once in my life...


Nate Russ said...

I would have helped you eat doughnuts! We need to make funnel cakes and O.D. on energy drinks and pass out in a heap of powdered sugar smudges. Your roommates can take photos (except for the mean dish nazi) and we'll look back and laugh about it like we never planned it in the first place! Deal?

Sky said...

Sara, Sara, I was coming too. I planned on working between sessions, and watching 2nd session at your house. (Since you invited the whole town, I didn't think you'd mind.) Funny how those plans drizzle down the drain on weekends. I'm glad I didn't come, or I'd have taken a nap with you, then both of us would have missed afternoon session. Lucky for you I listened to every word, because one general authority held up his hand and said, "Is Sara Shawcroft here? This message is for her." (I swear. I'm not lying.) I loved what he said: "You can't do anything on this earth unless you have two people, and one is you; the other is Heavenly Father" (paraphrased).

Don't be scared, Sara Lee. You survived working for me, didn't you? After that, heck, famine? Earthquakes? You won't even blink an eye. If you knew who you really are, Sara, Satan could never touch you again.
(Nice writing, Nate.)

Sarah said...

Best wishes, doll. Yes. Remember that you survived so much at the writing center and you can get through anything.

Sky said...

heh, heh, she knows not what she speaks of, huh, Sara Lee? Your beginnings were not easy.

Emily Poteet said...

Sara, I love this post, partly because it's written so well, and partly because I feel like I'm kind of in your boat. Sure, I'm still going to be in Rupert for a few months finishing my student teaching. And sure, I think I'm going to work in Las Vegas in the fall, but the unknown is scary. I've always wanted to be a grown up, and now that it's here, do I really want it?!

Shani said...

Funny, I was going to bring my fiance by for donuts before conference, but he woke up late and we didn't have time. Then you woke up late and couldn't make the bridal shower... who is messing with sleep schedules in order to keep us apart, Sara? And why?! Maybe it's because we've seen glances now and then of how well we can relate to one another, and said person is afraid that we'd be good for one another... so instead you'll graduate, and we'll just have to keep in touch on the blog. Thank goodness for the Writing Center family's blog, which gives people something familiar to hang onto when they're heading off into new and unfamiliar territories (and I've been to Georgia; it's not just an unfamiliar territory, it's another world ;-)).