2/16/08

My fears

I heard that at the party, everyone discussed their fears. I've been thinking a lot about it, and this is what I have come up with.

I fear every cramp, strain, or pull, always praying that it's not a miscarriage. The thought of being blessed with this little life inside of me and then having it tragically taken away makes my mind become fully alert, and I suddenly become more aware of how much I already care for this little life. So many times, before going to bed, I have prayed for Baby, that Baby will be able to grow to be healthy and strong, and I have asked Him to bless my body that it might do everything necessary in order to make that happen.

Next to my fear of miscarriage is my fear of losing my identity as I become a mother. I don't want to always be seen or be identified or be defined by just motherhood. I still want to be me. I am afraid to lose myself, but I know that I will to some point and that it will be good. Isn't self sacrificing a big part of what a mother is? But at the same time, I hope that I won't be one of those mothers who never takes care of herself but her children look magnificent. That really frightens me. Is it pride? Vanity? I don't know. Right now it just feels like self preservation.

We'll see how everything comes together later, but right now, in this moment, those are the things I fear the most.

--Leanna

7 comments:

Sky said...

Hey, you are right around the corner, Girl. You and Lance need to come to our parties. We miss you.Plus, Lance ditched us last time and needs to repent.
OK, remember how I keep saying that I'm through giving advice? Well, I'm stepping off the wagon for a second (again). I'm one of those who believe a baby is sensitive to your every mood. Because they're ultra sensitive to the mother's feelings when they're born, it makes sense to me that they'd feel your moods inside the womb also. So, go easy. Walk quietly and gracefully--peacefully, like you were in a forest and didn't want to crunch a single leaf. Find everything in your world that is beautiful and focus on it. Have you used up all those candles you had? If not, light them. Listen to music. Find your peace, because how much good do you think your nervousness is doing? And even if it's not giving the babe indigestion, it's certainly making YOU uncomfortable, as well as Lance. The future comes, L.--good or bad-- it comes. No matter what we do, we can't stop it, so worrying is just a waste. Give it up.
Also,I've felt your fear of losing your identity, but I have learned this thing: No one can ever take your identity, but you can give it away, sometimes before you even know what it is.

E. Anona said...

Leanna!!! I didn't even know you were expecting! I'll leave off the exclamation marks, but I'm really excited for you. I wish we were at the Writing Center together working and could have counseling sessions like old times.

Most of the people here I'm afraid to bore with talk of husbands and babies and such humble things.

I think I had a lot more fears about motherhood before I became pregnant...which is weird, but reading these baby books and going to the doctor I found there were just a million things that could go wrong, so many in fact that I couldn't pick a few and just picked none. I live in ignorant bliss. Kind of.

We find out next Tuesday 26th if Pickle is a boy or girl. I think that will make my chubby stomach seem more like a real baby.

Chan said...

"Pickle" is a boy's name.

E. Anona said...

Pickle is a neutral name. I mean you don't eat a pickle and think,

Hmm. This looks like a very masculine food.

At least I don't. Actually I hate pickles, so I don't know why we call the kid Pickle.
I'm hoping for a girl.

Julie M said...

My sister called her baby "little globby" while it was in the womb with an unknown gender. I don't think that has a gender bias either. But it may have given him a complex.

AND, I didn't know you were expecting either, Leanna! So you are officially chastised for this transgression.....
chastising done. I'm really happy for you! When are you due?

Chan said...

A lot of the kids in my family went by "Baby" for the first chunk of their outside-the-womb life. I was born in June and went by "Baby" until December, when I received my first Christmas present: my name. My little sisters went for around a year, I think, before my parents named them. They went by "A Babes" and "B Babes."

T & J said...

Chan--that explains a lot.