I heard that at the party, everyone discussed their fears. I've been thinking a lot about it, and this is what I have come up with.
I fear every cramp, strain, or pull, always praying that it's not a miscarriage. The thought of being blessed with this little life inside of me and then having it tragically taken away makes my mind become fully alert, and I suddenly become more aware of how much I already care for this little life. So many times, before going to bed, I have prayed for Baby, that Baby will be able to grow to be healthy and strong, and I have asked Him to bless my body that it might do everything necessary in order to make that happen.
Next to my fear of miscarriage is my fear of losing my identity as I become a mother. I don't want to always be seen or be identified or be defined by just motherhood. I still want to be me. I am afraid to lose myself, but I know that I will to some point and that it will be good. Isn't self sacrificing a big part of what a mother is? But at the same time, I hope that I won't be one of those mothers who never takes care of herself but her children look magnificent. That really frightens me. Is it pride? Vanity? I don't know. Right now it just feels like self preservation.
We'll see how everything comes together later, but right now, in this moment, those are the things I fear the most.